I hate it when...

1. I’m waiting to use a urinal and a barbarian comes and smashes everything.
2. I wake up with all the snakes at the zoo.
3. Beanie babies steal my food as I’m about to eat it.
4. I’m changing a light bulb and then my pants suddenly just disappear.
5. I google “awkward professor” and pictures of me with my shirt off appear.
6. I’m reading a book and Cinderella comes into my room thinking I’m her fairy godmother.
7. I go surfing and learn the hard way that alligators like saltwater.
8. Somebody comes up and tries to feed my belly button to their cat.
9. People shout out, “You stole my bacon” and I really didn’t.
10. I’m trying to rob a bank and midgets start to throw hamsters at me.
11. The backspace button turns out to be the button that kills another leprechaun.
12. My armpit turns out to have its own mind and eats people’s babies.
13. I get kidnapped by the tooth fairy.
14. 14.   I’m in the bathroom then Peter Pan appears asking for Wendy.
15. I talk to ants and they turn out to be sociopathic.
16. I get gnomes confused with mosquitos and spray them with mosquito repellant that also kills gnomes.
17. The government takes my pinky toes to sell to hoboes.
18. The Chinese food delivery guy licks my sideburns.
19. People beat me with sticks every time I say, “Somebody help! I’m dying.”
20. I go deaf because a hippopotamus decided to go swimming in my ear.

Bathroom Chat

So here’s one of the first thing that happened to me at community college:

            As high school told me, it’s always good to be about ten minutes early. But when I got to the room my first class, it was dark and empty. My bladder was full so I figured I could use the bathroom to kill time.

            When a guy uses the urinal, there’s some kind of rule we all naturally know. If there are more than 3 urinals, you take the ones furthest to the sides so the next guy doesn’t have to stand right next to you. I chose the urinal furthest away from the door, so someone is even less likely to take the one next to me.

            Well, my plan didn’t work out. This stocky middle aged man who came in after me took the urinal right next to me. There were four open ones, why’d he choose the one closest to a person?

            “Isn’t first days great?” The guy said. I could tell his mind was a little bit off, but oh well.

            “Umm… I guess so.” I replied trying to not get distracted so I can leave sooner.

            “I remember my first day of college here,” the man said, “I came home and realized I forgot to feed my gold fish. Poor guy had to go straight down the drain.”

It wasn’t long that I realized I got pee on my shoes. I was trying to hold in a laugh, this guys awkwardness was kinda funny.

            Once I finished, I quickly walked over to wash my hands. The man still wanted to talk, but he was all the way on the other side of the bath room. I have no idea what he was talking about but I just kept saying “uh-huh!” 

            I realized that as he was talking to me, he was leaning back to see me. I guess it’s natural for humans to want to see who they’re talking to. This guy was leaning so far back, I could see where the pee was coming from… and going, but I don’t think it was going where he originally aimed. Why was I noticing this?

            Quickly, I finished up in the bathroom and said “bye” to the man hoping he didn’t think I was rude.

            The class was still empty, but the door was unlocked, so I walked in and turned on the light. The inside looked like high school class rooms, but without any decorations. I took a seat and waited.

            One by one people drizzled in. I was thinking they’d be early but they weren’t. It was finally 10:00 but the professor still wasn’t in there.  At 10:10, the door opened and the man I saw in the bathroom walked in. Turns out that awkward man is my professor.

Captain America, Hitch-hiking, and Polo's

      Well, today I went and saw Captain America. It's interesting because it shows how patriotic people were in the 1940's. It seems that now days, it's very rare to get young people to be patriotic. I don't care what your opinion is, America is a place where people want to live. I don't understand when people complain about America. I mean yeah, there are things that I see as flaws, but it's better than living someone else.

      After the movie was done, I realized that I'd have to wait in town for a while before I got a ride back home. I can't take the bus because the nearest bus stop is still quite far from my house, so I just started to walk home. I got like 8 side walk squares away from the Fred Meyer parking lot, and a car stopped right next to me. She asked where I was going and offered to take me to my old Elementary school, which is a whole lot closer to my house than from Fred Meyer. I don't know if the fact I was wearing a polo made me seem safe, but I was a bit confused to why some random lady would offer a total stranger this. On the way there I told her what I've een doing this summer (choir and work for my dad), told her I play trombone, and told her that I want to be an elementary school teacher. She even complimented me by saying, "This is what America needs, more good male school teachers."
      I appreciate her hospitality a lot. It makes you wonder why people aren't always so nice like this. I guess it's because we as humans, normally see the worse in people. As humans, we're so insecure and nervous all the time. I bet if I were wearing a hoodie, with black jeans, and a different hair style, I would have walked the ten miles to my house. Makes me want to try and overlook flaws, and only recognize the good!

God Bless

+5

• My dance instructor was about 5’3” (super short), very buff,a shaved head, goatee, and had a low “I’m super manly” voice. It was a bit entertaining to watch him dance with girls taller than me.

• In dance I had to do a move where I lifted my arm…. I elbowed the girl in the nose.

• While riding my bike, a raccoon jumped out and started hissing. So instinctively, I growled back and tried to intimidate it. The raccoon started to chase me and continued to growl.

• Thinking it was a stick, I biked over a snake. It died and flew up at my face when I hit it.

• I met someone who is studying elementary ed. They also got their kids taken away because of bad parenting. They want to be a preschool teacher.

My Life is Dorky

1.       At the first concert I went to, I got my arm caught between a large ladies boobs and it was rather difficult to get it unstuck.

2.       I was asked, “What school is this,” by a guy from my college. I told him then he said, “No like the one that’s here now?” I explained to him that I didn’t know then he asked, “Do you know where the yallo went?” Before I could answer he just left.

3.       In a dance class I’m taking, the dance instructor (who’s an older man) was using the girl I was dancing with to show the next move. When I came back to dance with her, I realized he left me really bad gas. The girl wouldn’t talk and I was trying my hardest not to gag.

4.       Ever sense I have graduated, I have had four girls who have confessed they always liked me and another three who asked me if they would go out with me. One stranger wanted to have a one night stand with me; she asked me in person.

5.       My friend was asked by a guy at the college if she would be his, “vampiress.”

6.       The first concert I performed in for a jazz band I was in (mid-school to high-school), I got electrocuted by the electric guitar. It was minor and I still managed to play without making it too obvious I was in pain.

7.       A very flamboyant man (in his late 40’s) kinda stalked me my first term in college. First I saw him in the library where he told me how, “cute” I was. He finished before I did in the library, but when I walked out, he was waiting for me. He talked to me about life and his last relationship. Then I saw him around every so often and he’d always wink at me. One day he asked if I would be his new roommate, he even offered to pay for all the expenses.

8.       I have never won a game of chest, not even on the computer.

9.       When I worked at a summer camp, I had a camper who was a little bit shorter than me in 6^th grade. He was able to completely throw me out of the swimming pool.

10.   I was on a church camp out and my dad completely pantsed me in front of everyone. (I was 9).

11.   Another camp out, I was going tubing behind a boat. I was trying to purposely fall out, then my shorts fell off and I was still in the tube. I let go completely and jumped out.

12.   I was trying to impress a life guard when I was twelve. I did a flip into the pool and my head hit the diving bored.

13.   I had never touched an electric fence before and I wanted to see what it felt like so I touched purposely and screamed very loudly. (I have a lot of stories about being shocked, that’s why all my screen names have “Shock” in them and that’s where my camp name “Shock” came from.)

14.   I was on omegle and I was having a very cool conversation with a man (looked like he was in his 30’s) then kept on asking me to “show.” It was really weird because we were talking about being a Christian before that. Then he started stripping so I disconnected for the night.

15.   The movie “40 year old virgin” taught me what a virgin was. It was really awkward because I watched it with my family and we didn’t know “unrated” meant NC-17. Before unrated meant it just wasn’t rated rather than it has nudity.

Unusual Happenings

1.       I confused my sister with some lady who was looking at Men’s underwear. I started to tease her for being perverted sense she was looking in that section. That’s when I realized it wasn’t my sister.

2.       I had a professor who, out of 6 urinals, chose the one next to me. Then he started talking to me, and I got distracted and started to miss the urinal…

3.       I accidentally sent an email meant for friends to one of my high school teachers.

4.       I’m one who hates hugs. But occasionally someone will be an exception. I thought I saw one of those few people so I started to give them a big hug from the back. Then it wasn’t them.

5.       In Sims 3, my Sim got attacked by a Meteorite and died.

6.       I had a 7 year old make fun of me because I had shoes with some pink on them.

7.       I had campers who were head butting a rug one of the Summers I worked at camp.

8.       I can’t say Switchfoot, and it is my favorite band. I can’t say the “ch” sound unless I over emphasize it. Then I just sound like an idiot.

9.       I got caught checking myself in the mirror once and the person who caught me took a picture without me knowing it.

10.   I was cuddled by a man (unwillingly) in a bed. It was the most uncomfortable I’ve felt. (They did it because they knew that I have problems with being touched.

11.   At my Winter Formal, I was dancing around with my friends, and there was this girl who was dancing with her separate group of friends, but the girl was like really close to me, and the photographer thought we were a couple, so she took a picture of us as a couple. I didn't even know the girl and we both looked really uncomfortable in the picture.

12.   I was trying to explain what kind of apples make ORANGE juice. I thought I was saying apple juice.

13.   I got in trouble for putting a baby on the table. I didn’t know that that was a bad idea.

14.   I lost a shoe in a marching competition.

15.   The right half of my chest has hair and the other doesn’t. And I don’t know why.

16.   I had to go through 4 continues on the first level of the super Mario game for the Wii.

17.   I was running and lost my balance in front of a bunch of cute girls. My knee became really bloody and the jeans ripped. Then my dear crazy friend, Kyle, came up and put his finger on the blood then licked his finger.

18.   I got the clumsy award at the end of each year in high school. We have a poll in band for “band personalities.” I always get something making fun of my clumsiness and mad marching skills. I also was voted band king my senior year.

19.   For my Junior prom we got these cool fun glasses. I dropped mine in the urinal. Then I snuck away to get a new pair and pretended nothing happened. Then somebody noticed that they were a different color.

20.   In my Creative Writing Class, some girls were spreading around their lip gloss and described how tasty it was. So I asked if I could have some, without realizing how it was awkward. I put it straight into mouth (I didn’t want it on my lips) and then spat it out and then the “all girl except me” class started laughing. It took a while for them to explain to me that I did it wrong.

Pressure, Judgement, Diversity, and Peace

I feel like I’m the only one who sees the world the way I do. I mean, yeah, it’s good to be diverse, but everyone else seems to see things the same way as each other.

                People always pressure you into thinking that certain things are okay, when I don’t think they are. Others think they’re completely wrong so they cause conflictions against you. I don’t even feel like I have an angle in the circle, I just feel like a circle within the circle, a very small circle that is very noticeable and some people probably get annoyed that it’s there.

                Why can’t people realize that things are wrong, and at the same time not judge others for the wrongdoings? Yeah, so a guy swears, doesn’t mean he’s a terrible person. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen to what he has to say. In fact it’s just a word.

                I put myself closest to the “judge” section, because I realize the bad and I don’t want to support it. But I don’t want to go completely against it. Diversity is good. But why is there so much pressure to be a certain way or why is there so much war when there is disagreement? Why can’t people just always get along, see each other’s beliefs and have nothing but respect for the differences?